Whoa... Its been about....3 weeks since my last post? heh. Alot of things have happened.. to me that is. No, nothing I would really wanna write about cos its all personal. A few people would understand why. I've been thinking alot, like really really alot. So many things have happened to me, alot of them since have added pressure. I feel like I got too much of a burden to bear. Does anyone know what it's like to have a heavy heart? I think quite a few of you guys know I don't like to talk about how and what I'm feeling. The reason is because I know that the majority will never understand how it feels like.

Heh...all it takes is a few months and everything all seems so dark for me again. When I think about it, I realize that for more than 3/4 of my life, I've felt alone. When I reminisce of being a young kid again of age 5, i really miss those moments. When I would hold my father's or mother's hand while walking, feeling secure and knowing that they will always be there for me, I wish those moments would never end... Unfortunately the fates are cruel. Throughout the years as I grew older, I slowly begun to feel that my parents are bias towards my brothers. From then on I know that the certain things I done was just to get attention from not only them but from others as well. Heh.. When I think about it, I feel stupid. Go Figure.

Well, I've been reading other blogs and I realize that there are so many blogs that portray happiness and joys in life. Lucky... Here and there, my friends all got their own clique or peeps to hang out with, to share joys and laughter and even pain. Heh... I can read their post and even smile sometimes. Because they have good friends around. However, there are some friends whom aren't that lucky. These people are just a handfull. Life full of pain and headaches. For them, I empathise with. Really. I understand how is it like to be unable to talk to your parents about your problems because sometimes you know they can't help you. I know what it is like to have no one close to talk to or no one that understands you. How hard is it to live in this world when you are all alone, when you feel no one bothers about you, when you disappear and no one will care.

Heh...I still feel this way. I keep on wondering if I disappeared or died, would anyone really care after awhile? I feel so scared to let people close to me because I am afraid they will die or go away just as I feel close to them. So right now I am scared. That one day God will take my mum away all of a sudden. Not of old age but of other things. If that day were to happen, God will only know what I will do.

For now, I just take the comfort in knowing that cooking still makes me happy and forget all my troubles. Reading, writing and person a little scenery viewing helps too. Best would be if i can get a cookie every day. then i will be drunk in them ^ ^