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Monday, May 21, 2007


Time:11:22 AM


" its not the beginning or the end that counts but the journey itself " i guess i really understand what tis means.. to tell the truth, my journey only started wen tht incident happened. It started and has not end yet. wad i seen, read and understand thru the months after i began my journey, has made an impact on me. i realize wallowing in my own pathetic feelings isnt helping at all... i shut myself out of the world, living and depending on myself...

the reason i prefer to be alone is because im afraid... afraid i'll lose ppl i care about... i lost one alrdy...n im scared to lose another... i dun trust GOD animore...i just cant seem to...e only thing i try to trust him is in taking care of ppl i love. weirdly ironic huh? i've been doing tht all my life and look wad he took away from me.

Living in my own world of saddness and self pity, i didnt dare to tell anione hw i feel. y? cause i dun think anione really understands hw i feel.. i mean..sure i gt frens and all..i do tell them stuff.. but can they really understand and noe wad is it to lose a parent? i really appreciate tht they listen.. but i really WANT TO MOVE ON. I WANT TO FORGET. I HATE BEING FUCKING DEPRESSED AND SHIT ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!

im nt strong.. i feel lyk dying.. i feel lyk going away n nv return.. my dad may nt be the world's best dad... but he is to me. he doing smth lyk tht was a real shocker... i considered myself close to him cause he tells me his worries and stuff at nite and we'll talk... we have father to son talks and he tells me his hopes in me... and how i tell him i wont disappoint me...on how i will show him i will succeed in life... i remembered one nite...he asked me and my brothers.. he asked us " tell me one thing you want me to do and i promise you i will do it. " i remembered how hard i thought about it...when it was my turn...i said, " i only want you to do one thing daddy. Promise me you'll take care of the family better and better." He agreed. I remembered how he nodded and said ok... but why... WHY DID HE BREAK HIS PROMISE?? HIS PROMISE!!! i will never forget how my dad broke his first promise to me..

Even up till nw..i regretted ever leaving for my church camp.. y did i ever go.. i din even get to see him for the last time before i went out... on the first nite, i remembered how i couldnt sleep...how i kept waking up at 3 in the mornin.. deep down..i knew smth bad had happened.. i remembered it to be a Tuesday morning..it was prayer time.. ironic huh.. i guess everything else happened so fast..

theres a reason why i wrote this long and boring post. i dun care if anyone reads..it more to let everything out. everything tht has been bothering me. cause all this time, i feel so alone.. i cant even say out my feelings to e girl i like.. but i wanna change. im gonna break free.